This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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