Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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