i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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