I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize