where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
