turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
