He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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