you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
