I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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