nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
