how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
