farters have to be the big spoon...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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