Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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