So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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