Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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