I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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