Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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