I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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