Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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