it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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