hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
