Farmville is her only friend.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Randomize
