If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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