Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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