this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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