If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
