EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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