Betty ford says i'm here all night
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
