I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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