he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
