I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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