Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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