need another drink. this is the easiest way
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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