she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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