yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
