Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
