I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
