ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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