I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
