new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize