I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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