You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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