i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
