look no pants
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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