Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
