I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
