Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize