I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she told me i tasted like america
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
