So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
