cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
