I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
