it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
