I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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