You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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