Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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