That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
