i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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