I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
