Already got asked if we're dating
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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