You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
